First Week of February: Ramblings

     The last week of January combined with most of the first week of February have largely felt unsettled. Right in the midst of my new adventure to still and settle and be, there was a raging battle for my soul not to calm, not to breathe simply, not to stop worrying about circumstances or plans or futures. Gosh, this is a hard thing to do:this-settling-in-to-stay-for-a-while-thing. I so desperately need it. I need the time and space to rest from all the adventures I've been on since college graduation almost four years ago now. I need the time and space to reflect on all I've heard, seen and felt. I especially need the time and space to reflect on all God has showed me while I learn to seek Him in the ordinary and be still enough to hear His voice whenever He decides the next step is to begin. 
     One thing that is helping me to do this is the fact that my part of the world seems to be eternally frozen and frigid and settled itself under the depths of sub-freezing temperatures and ice on top of slush on top of snow. The earth is being given no choice at the moment, but to still and wait for the warmth of spring to return and bring new life through the stiff and frigid ground.

     Maybe I need to look to the earth's cycles as a means of understanding that it sometimes takes a time of stillness and covering of heavy cleansing to prepare for new life to emerge. Another truth that is very much helping me settle into this new chapter is that God has been so consistently adding an unquestioning peace in my soul in regards to where He has me and what He has me doing for this time. When the darkness begins to creep in and I being to become anxious and worried and freak out about "what if I'm not doing what I need to be doing to get to where I feel I am called to be?", God's Spirit swoops in and sends a word from often the unlikeliest of places to remind me that this is indeed His plan and I can and should (and am called to, actually) rest in that truth. God has me in a place right now where He has so clearly set up my current circumstances and it is not even circumstances that I sought out or set up. He has so obviously providentially blessed me with a strong local church which I found through friends I met about three years ago who just happened to used to live near where I live now and who just happened absolutely to love their church. So I just happened to remember this and ask them the name and go visit and find this is exactly where God has me to be, but in reality, nothing ever really "just happens" when you're walking with Christ. God has also literally had people reach out to me in my area who are so of the very same fabric as who I am and how I live and they are instant soul-friends, and though our religious beliefs are different, even in this new friendship I feel such a clear guidance from God. 
    The last stage of my life and the one I am in now are really two of the first experiences where God has so clearly taught me about trusting in His peace as He opens opportunities and as He takes the lead on my life. Going to Warsaw and all that happened there was so God-ordained that I don't even possess the words to explain that fully here. And today, after a couple weeks of real and honest struggle with God and my soul, I have been so firmly reminded by His confirming voice and peace that I am where He has me and I can breathe and still in this just like the world outside the windows of my apartment continues to still under nature's frigid season. 

    

  Sometime over the passed couple weeks (I do not remember which day), I sat down and read part of the beginning of the book of Galatians in the New Testament where Paul has written about the immense amount of time he took to ensure to himself that he was preaching the true Gospel and how he also (after a long period of time) met with other church leaders to confirm that he indeed was teaching the Truth. I found it amazing that Paul was so patient in taking the time to learn and know for sure that he was carrying God's Gospel truly. He took time to learn and he took time to prepare even while he was already serving. I think today in our Christian journeys, God still works the same. I think He clearly ordains certain periods of life to be meant as preparation, as learning more from Him,  as experiencing Him in the ordinary and faithfulness of everyday life and as leaning more into His grace so that at some point He can guide us into a time where He will pour out this grace from inside us into others. Maybe this is all just speculation, but it is what I am perceiving may be happening in this time in my own life. 
     Life in the last two years has been a continuous journey of learning not to care, be swayed by, nor emotionally tortured by the voices of the critics, the voices in my head, and the voices of darkness that attempt to drown my soul until I stop breathing Grace. I have been learning rather to listen to that One true voice of the One true God who whispers, speaks, shouts Grace and guidance and total, unchangeable truth into my soul and my life. This is the one Voice I seek to follow amidst the battle for my life's path and story. I know He has won the victory already, but learning to live and breathe in that continues to be a process and a journey of leaning more and more into the Savior.